News Flash! Sarah Palin is NOT that cool.

This just in! We have breaking news about McCain's hitherto glowing VP pick.

After using a Sinatrameter, it has been determined that Sarah Palin has fallen quite short of the levels of awesomeness that Republicans have expected her to reach. Palin, a longtime supporter of those who believe in a mysterious sky-ruler with the unusual moniker of "God" and a strong opposer of giving choices to women who have been raped and don't want to keep the child, has only registered 5 "fonzies" on the cool-measuring device, far below her expected 75-80 cool units.

Palin has yet to comment on the issue, but analysts are quickly coming to a consensus that they will soon need to begin talking about something other than pitbulls with lipstick and the moral imperative of opposing bridges to nowhere. Quoted in the Associated Press, Obama campaign manager David Plouffe commented, "I was hating Sarah Palin before it was cool."

Palin, a mother of 5 who enjoys killing anything that doesn't belong to the species homo sapiens, was recently chosen to be the Republican candidate for Vice President, joining the McCain ticket for the White House. McCain, whose talents include awkwardly pointing and looking confused during Palin's speeches, has labeled his running-mate his "soulmate" and often employs the use of folders or other large objects to hide the massive erection he experiences after casting split-second glances at her ass at every opportunity.

The undecided voters can look forward to at least a week's worth of commentary on the issue of Sarah Palin's stunning lameness, or they would be looking forward to it if they weren't busy filming amateur spinoffs of Jackass or engaging in wars of cow-tipping with each other.

Following the clusterfuck that was generously labeled the Democratic and Republican National Conventions, McCain has achieved an inexplicable 5-point lead over Obama in the national polls. Polling data suggests that Republicans have given up on their dream that the United States of America will be their party's nominee for the 2008 election, even though ritualistic chanting at the Convention suggested otherwise. McCain's biggest concern is that he will lose the "Country First" base, who mistakenly cast their Convention votes for McCain on the basis of his slogan's suggestion that he would step down in favor of the far more popular "America-Palin" ticket.

Coincidentally, the APA reported this week that new data suggests that the vast majority of Americans are susceptible to a threat that has been growing ever since the 2000 election. Calling it the "believe-everything-you-fucking-hear" syndrome, the psychologists' union has been increasingly concerned about the phenomenon ever since the Republicans suggested in 2000 that Al Gore had a time machine which allowed him to travel back twenty-five years, kill all the ARPANET developers, and claim sole credit for the development of the Internet. In the same speech, then-candidate George W. Bush also suggested that the elderly Al Gore of 2015 gave the time machine to young Biff--er, Osama bin Laden, who used his futuristic knowledge of the solid quality of planes to travel back and commit the terrorist attacks of September 11th. When President Bush was recently asked how he knew the attacks of 2001 would occur when he was first launching his campaign for the White House, he replied, "Look, I didn't force Al Gore to become a terrorist...that was the Democratic Party's responsibility."

In a parellel story, Palin has recently taken to suggesting that Barack Obama is responsible for the recent trend the Earth has periodically taken towards darkness, a phenomenon scientists have taken to calling "night". Obama, Palin claims, is using this 10-12 hour period of non-lightedness to ferry in terrorists from the Middle East, who will then aid him in his presidential bid by casting their votes in key red states. In a recent speech before the Conglomerated Brainless Masses of the Confederate States of America, she also claimed that McCain will be instrumental in ensuring that the terrorists only attack America during the daytime, when the American people will have the ability to watch their well-coordinated, well-lit strikes as well as McCain's complete failure to competently prevent them.

Palin, to her credit, has performed stunningly in the responses she has delivered to every question asked. Granted, the only question was posed by Lou Dobbs, who queried, "Don't them wetbacks just roast your goose?" Palin's response, while sticking loyally to party lines, pleased exactly 100% of her simple-minded supporters.